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hey peeps

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nlynn's picture
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Joined: Sep 2006
hey peeps

can anyone tell me if they think this is a good thesis statement
andrew carnegie helped the world more than rockafeller did
thank you

pianogirl2422's picture
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Joined: Mar 2005

It's a bit short. You might want to give a few reasons.....

[=RoyalBlue][=Comic Sans MS]
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It

Shadow's picture
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Joined: Sep 2005

You really should expand and say why.

Ravens's picture
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Joined: Oct 2006

This is an actualy thesis statement from a DBQ regarding the change of women ideals after the American Revolution that received the highest score possible.

"Despite the obligation that American women felt to conform to the ideas of "republican motherhood" and the "cult of domesticity", opposing perceptions toward such gender roles emerged due to the influence of various conditions such as class, geography, and race."

You are writing about a different topic, but notice first of all the length and comprehensiveness. The thesis directly addresses the question and provides some broad topics as examples. These examples, "class, geography, and race", are what is to be discussed in the body.

Your thesis is lacking as you can see.

Ravens's picture
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Joined: Oct 2006

Also, after rereading your thesis... consider how vague "world" and "helped" are. Consider saying exactly what portion or what aspect of the world he improved and mention how and what he improved.

JustinL's picture
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Joined: Sep 2006

Our APUSH teacher says that your thesis is more than just one sentence and that you should make your thesis statements take up about 3/4 a page. You should answer the question, make an arguement, and ask questions (and answer them).

Apparently his advice worked because he had students who made 5's last year.

pianogirl2422's picture
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Joined: Mar 2005

Ah, that would be thesis paragraphs. It's not required and can get messy if you don't know what you're doing. However, if you can master it, then you should have some pretty good essay writing skills. If you aren't confident in your thesis writing skills, then I suggest you keep it simple. Although the intro paragraph is important, the graders look at organization and information. Plenty of people have gotten 5's by using the simple "This statement is true/false because of this, that, and the other" structure of the thesis.

[=RoyalBlue][=Comic Sans MS]
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It

Ravens's picture
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Joined: Oct 2006

Obviously, there's more than one way to get a good score on an APUSH essay. It all boils down to information and good writing. If you write a good, coherent essay... regardless of structure or style and you include the necessary history with good analysis, there's no way to NOT score good.

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