So I come into my APUSH class today and I notice the teacher is looking kind of sad. He is slowly organizing some kind of notebook. When we ask him what is wrong he says that someone knocked his notebook on the floor and all of the papers fell out. This is the notebook that he keeps all of his notes in, and he is clearly struggling to get it back in order. We don’t have many people in the class so I am going to give you a brief, and hopefully unbiased run down on each possible suspect and why they might of might not have done it. For the privacy of the innocent no names will be revealed, and remember, all students are innocent until proven guilty in the UFC arena. I will start off the list with myself.
1) This kid is easily the smartest in the class. He aces all the tests without any trouble. The only real issue he has with the teacher is when he tries to take away our extra credit. The thing is the teacher only ever threatens to take away the extra credit and never actually does it. Just a threat doesn't deserve that kind of reaction, plus this kid is me remember, and I know I didn't do it.
2) Next up we have the class clown. You might ask why he deserves such a title. Well, along with the occasional racial joke he posts clippings from the newspaper all over the walls. That brings me to his motive, occasionally the teacher removes these clippings, and the clown does not try to hide his displeasure.
3) This girl loves horses (not in that way you perv) and when the teacher talked about horses dying during war she was visibly upset. She seemed to try to tune it out, but I don’t think she had much luck with that because ever since then she started writing weird things randomly throughout her notes. That tells me she is crazy, and crazy people kill without a motive, so why would she need one for just knocking down a folder?
4) We will call suspect number four “red hair”. I don’t want to discuss why we call him that, because that may compromise his identity, so I will move right into his beef with the teacher. Now that I think about it red hair has no real motive, so you all will just have to judge him only knowing his nickname.
5) This next suspect is clearly anorexic. I would be surprised if she had the strength to knock the heavy folder to the ground, but she certainly has a motive. Everyday she eats peanut butter crackers in the class and everyday the teacher neglects to confiscate her food, or even to just tell her to stop eating. Now you might be thinking “I wish my teacher would let me eat in class”, but remember, this is not you this is her. Someone telling her not to eat is fuel for her anorexic fire, and this teacher does not provide that fuel.
6) The teacher sometimes calls this guy “Franchise”. Again, for privacy reasons we won’t get into exactly how he got that nickname, just know what “Franchise” doesn’t like it when the teacher calls him that. Also, he is Asian and we all know how they use there ninja moves to do things without being seen. There is no doubt in my mind that this kid could have pulled this off.
7) We have a large classroom and a small class, so there are a lot of empty seats. This leaves plenty of room for this person to alienate himself from everyone else. I’m not sure what his problem is with the teacher (or the rest of humanity for that matter) but there must be something. Rumor has it he emails the teacher almost every night. No one really knows what they talk about, but any problem that takes that many emails to resolve must be pretty deep.
8) Every time we get a project our overachiever turns it in at least a week early. The teacher occasionally ridicules her for this. If that isn’t enough evidence for you than just consider that an overachiever like her probably thinks the teacher isn’t doing a good job preparing us for the national exam and if that isn’t a strong motive I don’t know what is.
