This is a thesis I wrote for an essay I am doing for comparing Political and Social Structures of Mesopotamia/Egypt and Indus Valley/Vedic Age. Suggestions PLEASE! :confused:
Both Mesopotamia/Egypt and the Indus Valley/Vedic Age had similar political and social structures because they emulated a society that encouraged male authority both in political and social affairs; this is mostly due to the fact that government positions were held mostly by men. However these two societies differed in political and social structures because the caste system was a catalyst for less of an importance on political affairs in the Indus Valley/Vedic Age whereas in Mesopotamia/Egypt the emphasis was more so on Kings and government affairs. The fact that the Aryan migrations brought more of a stress on social hierarchy than government affairs attributed to the lack of political structure.
So is this your entire first paragraph or is it added onto more? Because it's really long. I don't think you need to elaborate so much in the introduction, that will come in your body paragraphs.
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If you have to address politcal and social structures, make sure that you address both politcal and social sturctures for BOTH Meso/Egypt and the Indus Valley civ - in your thesis.
Also, it's better to practice your writes under time constraints, don't worry about the wording being all purdeefullll.
its really long. the first paragraph should have 1 sentence setting everything up. then the thesis. be sure like AOFfiend said answer both parts of the question
elaborate more in the body
Not only is it too long as the others have said, its structured in a very black and white manner. Basically you have it as: this is why they're similar, and this is why they're different. And in that sense, you've kind of sumarized what your whole essay is going to be about. The thesis should probably be more of a bit of the subject, or in other words, what's the purpose of the essay (not in a literal sense like, "the purpose of this is to...." or anything). Personally, my thesis for this would probably be along the lines of:
"Although the early Middle Eastern Empires, and Indus empires developed as ancient societies during similar time periods and relatively close locations, both societies developed very different aspects in terms of their social and political structures"
clink068 wrote:Not only is it too long as the others have said, its structured in a very black and white manner. Basically you have it as: this is why they're similar, and this is why they're different. And in that sense, you've kind of sumarized what your whole essay is going to be about. The thesis should probably be more of a bit of the subject, or in other words, what's the purpose of the essay (not in a literal sense like, "the purpose of this is to...." or anything). Personally, my thesis for this would probably be along the lines of:
"Although the early Middle Eastern Empires, and Indus empires developed as ancient societies during similar time periods and relatively close locations, both societies developed very different aspects in terms of their social and political structures"
I'd have to disagree with you, KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. AP writing isn't to wow anyone, it's to get your point across, and show that you know the information.
It's better if you keep thinks black and white because it makes it easier for the AP grader to go through their rubric and make sure everything is there.
If you can make it pretty, great. Just don't spend too much time worrying about that kind of thing. Hell, they don't even grade on your spelling or grammar.
Keep it simple.