What do you think of my introductory paragraph?
How were the lives of the Plains Indians in the second half of the nineteenth century affected by technological developments and government actions?
The Plains Indians were a rich and varied people occuping what is now considered the Midwest. It was thought that their existence in their region would be permanently safeguarded from any encroachment. However, as railroads, mining, cattle, and government intervention ensued, the Plains Indians found themselves unable to maintain their traditional lifestyle.
Instead of using "varied", try various...
You meant "occupying" instead of "occuping" right? The second sentence sounds kind of repetitive; "their existence in their region"...
Overall, it sounds simple...but you'll probably need more advice than from me >_<. My problem in writing essays is having a solid intro :(. At least my body paragraphs are strong :D.
Good luck on your essay!^^
The below statement is false.
The above statement is true. :confused: :confused: :confused:
난 한글 제대로 쓸주도 모르고,
You've got a good thesis to write about, but I'd try to make the second and third sentances flow better togeather, or maybe try to add a bit more about WHY their existance would remain untouched. Not very much is needed, since it is just an intro. But it sounds pretty promising so far!
The hardest thing about riding horses is the ground
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The Plains Indians were a rich and varied people occuping what is now considered the Midwest. It was thought that their existence in their region would be permanently safeguarded from any encroachment. However, as railroads, mining, cattle, and government intervention ensued, the Plains Indians found themselves unable to maintain their traditional lifestyle.
Okay, here we go.
I would keep the word varied, it doesn't sound right with various. I also disagree with AP_Work_R about your second sentence, it seems fine to me. I think it's too short though. I do think that the 'their' in your second sentence should be 'the' or 'that'. I would add something about the time period. You're thesis doesn't sound right to me either, it's just a wording problem though. If I'm breaking a rule, I'm sorry, but here's how I would make my intro look:
The Plains Indians were a rich and varied people occuping what is now considered the Midwest. It was thought that their existence in the region would be permanently safeguarded from any encroachment. However, as the second half of the nineteenth century came about, life began to change for these people. The increase in railroads, mining, and cattle combined with government intervention caused the Plains Indians to find themselves unable to maintain their traditional lifestyle.
[=RoyalBlue][=Comic Sans MS]
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It
...Er...When I meant repetitive, I was referring to 2 "their"'s. You said so yourself that the 2nd 'their' should be 'the' or 'that' - it's redundency! So why disagree :confused:
I do like your version of revised thesis. Though the 2nd sentence doesn't transition very well with the third - cuts off; maybe add something after encroachment ----> encroachment such as (...?).
The below statement is false.
The above statement is true. :confused: :confused: :confused:
난 한글 제대로 쓸주도 모르고,
I like this revised thesis quite a bit.
Thanks for the tips.
AP_Work_R wrote:...Er...When I meant repetitive, I was referring to 2 "their"'s. You said so yourself that the 2nd 'their' should be 'the' or 'that' - it's redundency! So why disagree :confused:
I'm sorry, I simply misunderstood.
[=RoyalBlue][=Comic Sans MS]
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It