Hi Everyone, me again. Okay i am done with my DBQ and before i turn it in i would like to know if it needed some editing. The question for the essay was : Were the colonists justified in their decision of war against Great Britain? Here it goes:
The colonists were justified in their decision of war against Great Britain because they were treated unfairly, not allowed any political power, and were not given any respect.
A reason why the colonists were treated unfairly is because they faught in the French and Indian War. In result to that, they were not allowed to move west and settle, but that did not stop them from going anyway. Many died along the way, but they made it. Yet, even though they settled, they still did not have political power.
The King did not want the colonists to spread and he tried to put a halt to it. He attempted to make the colonists stay where they were at by setting laws and taxes, anything, to get them to stay put. When the colonists tried to set their own rules, so they could be more independent. The king put a stop to that by forcing laws and taxes upon them. THis led the colonists to think that they were not as respected as they thought.
The King was mad that the colonists were attemping to create their own laws to become independent. In return, he didn't let them have any power whatsoever, he had the British attack the ship, stopped their exports and imports, and threatened them. The King did not want the colonists to overthrow him because he knew that as soon as they became independent, they would become very a powerful nation.
If there was anything that you would change about it or if i gave the wrong information or you have some tips, i would greatly appreciate them.
Thanks
Hello! I would be glad to offer my advice. :D
Unfortunately, I have to go eat dinner now, so I'll post later. I have many suggestions, so be prepared.
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"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It
Is this really a DBQ? You didn't give us the documents... Because you need to cite the given documents, explain them (try to find the "bias"), and then give outside information.
Your paper lacks lots and lots of information... Remember, you need to give a fact and then analyze it...you're trying to convince the reader with the thesis you wrote and then back it up with lots of different information...
And is this your entire DBQ? Paragraphs are really short...even for an essay no offense :D! I think you'll need at least 3.5 pages of tons of information to get a decent score of 7 or 8...
The below statement is false.
The above statement is true. :confused: :confused: :confused:
난 한글 제대로 쓸주도 모르고,
I agree with the former post. You need ALOT more information before this is a good DBQ, and you need to cite the documents you were given. You also need to work on your thesis. Your thesis should contain your main view point and should hint at information that you will be giving later in your essay
AP_Work_R and mcgean are right, you need alot of work on this essay. Please read everything before you start to revise, if you do intend to revise. (I highly suggest that you make changes)
But first- mechanics.
~"faught" should be "fought"
~"When the colonists tried to set their own rules, so they could be more independent. The king put a stop to that by forcing laws and taxes upon them." should be combined (take out the comma after rules, replace the period with a comma)
~"THis" should be "This"
~"ship" should be plural
~"In return, he didn't let them have any power whatsoever, he had the British attack the ship, stopped their exports and imports, and threatened them." should be separated (put period after whatsoever and capitalize he)
Secondly- almost everything else. I'm gonna go by paragraph.
Intro- You just have a sentence. Your intro should be the place where you tell the readers you background information. You should at least explain what the time period and the basic situation is for your essay. The topic's pretty clear here, but it won't always be that way. It's also a way to better explain your viewpoint. I think your thesis is fine (as you should know), but you do need to add some more before it to make it clear as to what your point is. And try to start your essay with a sentence that will make your teacher want to read your essay, but don't use a cliche and definitely do not, I repeat DO NOT say something like "a wise man once said". If you don't know who wrote a quote that you're using, don't put who wrote it if it's a fairly common saying, but don't use it if it's not widely known.
Body #1- You should either have more reasons as to why the colonists were treated unfairly, or state that the main reason is because England participated in the French and Indian War. Then for each paragraph, you should have three facts that support your topic sentence. You could give three examples of how the colonists were being treated unfairly as a result of the French and Indian War or you could give three reasons as to why the colonists were being treated unfairly and give an example of each. And you should try to use two or more documents in each paragraph. To cite it you can either say "As Document B states" (or some variation e.g. depicts, suggests, etc.) or paraphrase and add Document whatever in the end in parenthesis.
Body #2- More details. Give examples of limitations of political power of the colonists. And again, add document citations.
Body #3- Again, more details. How did the king threaten the colonists? How did he limit their import and export capabilities? Explain your topics in more detail. And once more, cite your documents.
Conclusion- You don't have one! I highly recommend that you write yourself a conclusion. Basically all you have to do is recap your essay and restate your thesis.
Thirdly- general DBQ advice, and FR too I guess.
~DROP AS MANY NAMES AS POSSIBLE. Your scorers will look at how much knowledge you have about the subject and are more likely to give you a higher grade. However, if you do not know the name, leave it out. I got in trouble with that last year...
~Don't be afraid to cite a document more than once. Cite it as many times as you need to.
~Use as many documents as possible. Do not use them for the sake of using them though. I suggest that you decide which document you will use for each topic supporting your thesis and incorporate them as necessary.
~Try to have at least four paragraphs with at least five sentences each. Sometimes you will have shorter paragraphs, remember they can be a mere sentence long.
~Make good transition sentences. A flowing essay makes a better impression than a choppy one.
~Try not to overuse words. Expand your vocabulary to include many ways of saying things and know several transitions words (however, but, although, etc.)
That's all the advice I have at the moment. Good luck!
Oh, and your transitions between paragraphs were very good.
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"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It
that paper was wicked short
I concur with everything said previsouly (and esp. pianogirl). I've only one thing to add, more of an elaboration on something pianogirl's already mentioned-try to expand or stightly improve your vocab. I'm not saying to used big, fancy words that you only half-understand, but try changing at least several of them. For example, in the first line of the last paragraph, changing 'mad' to 'angrey' or 'irritated' adds a whole new depth to your essay. Have fun!
The hardest thing about riding horses is the ground
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xenahorse wrote:Have fun!
Yes, and do try not to have TOO much fun ;) .
[=RoyalBlue][=Comic Sans MS]
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," say Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It
What can I say? I LOVE essays! And I can do them, too. On the last ones we got in class (for a test last week, got em' back today) I got 49 out of 50 on the frist, and 46 out of 50 on the second. I'll do an essay to multipul choice anyday!
The hardest thing about riding horses is the ground
[CENTER][IMG]http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c295/xenahorse/Photoshop%20Fun/Ed_Ein_...
[=1]Made by moi^:D[/
I have to write an essay very similar to this - anyone have anymore suggestions?
Make your essays longer, with more detail and key points. A lot of outside information will help it alot. If it is a DBQ essay, use documents that pertain closer to the point that you are trying to address.
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