Stricken by Tragedy
-Makuhari.T
We've all had tragedies, and when I went through my first break-up, I thought my tragedy that junior year had been the up-coming Valentines Day, doubtless to say 'Valentine-less.' That was until I received news that my biological mother (as I was adopted at age 12) was deathly ill and two days following the news- had died.
It would be a lie not to admit (ashamed as I am) that at the time (and could any selfishness possibly supersede this) I still mourned over my 6- month old break up. But then, it slowly sunk in and it didn't take me long to undergo an academic slump. My limbs became heavy very easily and soon I just laid in bed- sleeping for the most part of the day, and when sleeping did me no good, I went to school (for an hour) and pushed away my worried friends, coming home only to turn a cold shoulder to my adopted parents who were ever supportive and caring in my time of need.
I suppose I could name so many things more to describe my 'slump' aside the missing homework, failed projects, skipped classes and my distanced demeanor. But I wanted that part short, because it's all ever silly to me now and don’t like to dwell upon my errors (call it evasive, but I think it’s resilience more than anything). It's like that media image where a person wakes up and realizes that the world is still going round with one less person occupying it. There is apparently some truth to that; when I awoke, and truly awoke weeks later, more than the realization I felt guilt and shamefulness that I had masked my laziness so wonderfully I had fooled everybody- but not ever myself.
I felt sad alright, but I realized that there wasn't ever a time that I couldn't have chosen to get out of it. I remember that I knew, and I mean really KNEW, that the sadness didn't come in a degree that disabled me in any way. I was ashamed upon this realization, but I’m ever more glad that I got out of my fancy pretending. If ever there was anything I believe, I believe that families could see each other again in the afterlife, and how should I face my mother whose existence and death I marred by my actions? And so at that thought my slump ended- academically and personally.
With my new perspective I dealt with my tragedy in a whole new way. It's somewhat silly, but I loved my mother so much I decided there was no better way to honor her than to live life as if there were two living, and think as if two heads thinking. I read books, reconciled with friends and became serious with my grades and decision making. When a tragedy hits I realized that people can choose if life should be going up or down. Of course, that doesn't mean there shouldn't ever be a quiet time you could pull out a picture or memory to think of and cry at (while laughing even), it just means that when it's done it feels more like a release that's real and free of histrionicism.
