I am relatively new to writing essays, and I always look for room to get better at writing. On this essay, I recieved a 4/5. I know that is sad, but that is pretty much what the whole class got. A conclusion was not necessary and I realize that the last paragraph belongs up top. So please give me some helpful hints/tips that would help me. I really appreciate anybody who reads this all.
Describe the irony of freedom in colonial America.
The stage was set for English to immigrate to a new land with democratic practices and boundless economic opportunities. The pilgrims, who wanted to separate the church and state, left England for religions freedom and landed in Plymouth. The Mayflower Compact was formed to create a self-governing, free society in which the people would vote for the benefit of society. The Great Migration resulted in many Puritans settling in Massachusetts Bay and the West Indies for religious and economic freedom. Despite these claims of opportunities in colonial America, the goal of freedom was not completely established for the settlers.
Religion played a major role in the way of life for Puritans. In order to keep the central focus of life of Puritanism, certain freedoms had to be taken away, including religious freedom. The Puritans immigrated to America because they wanted toleration, yet they themselves did not establish this in the Massachusetts Bay colony. In fact, many people were executed for not following this way of like, like the Salem Witch Trials in 1692.
Furthermore, the government of the Puritans was extremely selective. Only the visible saints were part of the church and only rich, white landowners could vote for office. It was only when the Puritan population started believing less in the religion that the Half-Way Covenant was ordered to give partial membership to men.
In the Chesapeake Bay and southern colonies, the claims of freedom were also denied. The whites’ themselves employed themselves in the African Slave Trade and gained a huge monopoly on the slaves. In some cities, there were twice as many blacks as there were whites. These blacks, as exemplified in the Barbodas Slave Code, were denied even the simplest human rights. There chances in gaining freedom in America were slim to none at best. Not only were their liberal rights taken away, but there birth rights also. The indentured servants had no chance of freedom as well in colonial America. They were pushed into the back country. This resulted in Bacon’s Rebellion, which was a fight for indentured servants right to gain land and freedom.
In this same region the planters held the most wealth in society and hired smaller yeomen to work for them. Over time, a gap between the planter aristocracy and slaves formed, which was contrary to the original goals of New World settlers. In Virginia, the “first families of Virginia” almost completely dominated the House of Burgesses, which was originally created for democratic purposes. The settlers attempt to crate a free society completely backfired onto them.
For most Chesapeake settlers, there was no goal of freedom. The settlers were established there for economic purposes and to gain wealth. The settlers were not interested in freedom, only in cultivating and selling tobacco.
Despite the irony of freedom in the colonies, there were some successful attempts to a free society. For one, Pennsylvania, created by William Penn, was created as a religious haven for Quakers Penn went as far to suggest the name “Sylvania” in order to give the state a more liberal feel to it> Another example is the Toleration Act of 1649, which granted religious toleration to Catholics in Maryland. This was one of the most successful attempts in creating a free society. In addition, Anne Hutchinson and Robert Williams both fled in order to be more free, and Williams went as far as to form an egalitarian society in Rhode Island. In this colony, complete religious freedom was established for all.
The Spanish conquistadors were against the idea of creating a free society in the New World. They were mostly interested in gold, spreading religion, and advancing technology. People like Hernan Cortes conquered many and rose to the top in wealth. Indians were actually enslaved in this area. These people did not care to establish a “new World” with complete religious freedom.
Thanks again :)
comon anyone PLEASE
I'll send you my critique asap...
seems too short and doesnt have enough facts
Elena
i have an outline for how to do essays that could help
Elena
Hey try this method in thesis A.fully redress the prompt B.take a position C. seperate your ideas into organizational categories. (the org categories should be the topic of each paragraph
On an AP US History National Exam FRE, I would give you a 4 out of 9. (I am grading you as if this was the actual essay for the Exam. I know this is the end of the first semester and you have not fully learned all you need to know about writing essays. On the first essay, people normally receive a 4-6. I would weight the 4 as an 85-90. A 6 being a 98 because no one can have a perfect paper the first go round.
Pros:
You have clearly stated facts.
You seem to know the basis of what the prompt is asking.
Paper is organized.
Given the fact that on the National exam you will have 35 minutes on a FRE, you have plenty of content, so I disagree with the person who said it was too short.
Cons:
No transition words.
Not enough Historical information.
Weak thesis (try to start your thesis with "because" or "although" and then preview the thesis. BE COMPLEX.
Add more fluff. Refer to the Merchantlism, etc.
Matthew Hubbard
[email protected]" class="bb-email">[email protected]
[url]www.matthewhubbard.org[/url]
[CENTER][B][=RoyalBlue]Response of a APUSH student to reading a FRE question asking to explain the effects of the French and Indian War on political, ide
My comments in bold
The stage was set for English to immigrate to a new land with democratic practices and boundless economic opportunities. The pilgrims, who wanted to separate the church and state, left England for religions freedom and landed in Plymouth. The Mayflower Compact was formed to create a self-governing, free society in which the people would vote for the benefit of society. The Great Migration resulted in many Puritans settling in Massachusetts Bay and the West Indies for religious and economic freedom. Despite these claims of opportunities in colonial America, the goal of freedom was not completely established for the settlers. Where's your plan of attack? Make sure you outline the topics you'll be talking about. (Basic outline of essay: Say what you're going to say(intro), say it(body), say what you said (Conclusion)
Religion played a major role in the way of life for Puritans. In order to keep the central focus of life of Puritanism, certain freedoms had to be taken away, including religious freedom. The Puritans immigrated to America because they wanted toleration, yet they themselves did not establish this in the Massachusetts Bay colony. In fact, many people were executed for not following this way of like, like the Salem Witch Trials in 1692. You didn't really give a concrete example of how they didn't establish freedom of religion. When you make general statements, make sure you follow up with examples.
Furthermore, the government of the Puritans was extremely selective. Only the visible saints were part of the church and only rich, white landowners could vote for office. It was only when the Puritan population started believing less in the religion that the Half-Way Covenant was ordered to give partial membership to men.
In the Chesapeake Bay and southern colonies, the claims of freedom were also denied. The whites’ themselves employed themselves LOL don't do this again - don't use themselves twice - you could've taken out the first 'themselves' in the African Slave Trade and gained a huge monopoly on the slaves. In some cities, there were twice as many blacks as there were whites. These blacks, as exemplified in the Barbodas Slave Code, were denied even the simplest human rights Like what?. ThereThere/their chances in gaining freedom in America were slim to none at best just use slim because slim to none doesn't read well. Not only were their liberal rights taken away, but there birth rights alsooh LOL here they are - put this sentence before the other one. The indentured servants had no chance of freedom as well in colonial America the 'as well in colonial america doesn't make sense if you don't put another place to compare it with - 'the indetured servants had no chance of freedom in ___, mimicing the policies of colonial america - I know this paragraph is about a certain region, but just clarify for people like me who forgot LOL. They were pushed into the back country. This resulted in Bacon’s Rebellion, which was a fight for indentured servants right to gain land and freedom.
In this same region the planters held the most wealth in society and hired smaller yeomen to work for them. Over time, a gap between the planter aristocracy and slaves formed, which was contrary to the original goals of New World settlers. In Virginia, the “first families of Virginia” almost completely dominated the House of Burgesses, which was originally created for democratic purposes. The settlers attempt to crate a free society completely backfired onto them. Follow up on this idea. Doesn't make sense. How did it backfire on them? And what democratic purposes?
For most Chesapeake settlers, there was no goal of freedom. The settlers were established Get rid 'where establish' and use settled there for economic purposes and to gain wealth. The settlers were not interested in freedom, but only in cultivating and selling tobaccowhich did what for their economy?.
Despite the irony of freedom in the colonies, there were some successful attempts to a free society. For one, Pennsylvania, created by William Penn, was created as a religious haven for Quakers Penn went as far to suggest the name “Sylvania” in order to give the state a more liberal feel to it> what does sylvania mean?Another example is the Toleration Act of 1649, which granted religious toleration to Catholics in Maryland. This was one of the most successful attempts in creating a free society. In addition, Anne Hutchinson and Robert Williams both fled in order to be more free, and Williams went as far as to form an egalitarian society in Rhode Island. In this colony, complete religious freedom was established for all.
The Spanish conquistadors were against the idea of creating a free society in the New World. They were mostly interested in gold, spreading religion, and advancing technology. People like Hernan Cortes conquered many and rose to the top in wealth. Indians were actually enslaved in this area. These people did not care to establish a “new World” with complete religious freedom. Spanish conquistadors has nothing to do with colonial america, I don't think...
Was this essay written in class? If it was, that essay wasn't too terrible, but it definitly needs some work. I didn't really understand where you were going with the Chesapeake Bay and southern colony thing. The essay was supposed to be about the irony of freedom, and I really didn't get that vibe, except in the first part. Also, the prompt didn't leave you any way to take a side, so the paragraph about places that had religious freedom was a bit out of place. It also didn't really talk about the irony of the situation (if there was any). If you ever get another prompt like this, when it says 'irony', explain how the system contradicts itself. The only place in your essay that I saw that was in the first part.
Oh, and conclusions are ALWAYS neccessary. You need to wrap up your essay.
I also disagree with a comment above. Don't fluff. Don't ever fluff. Fluffing means that you'll put irrelavent, extra information in your essay. Stick to your prompt. Don't drift. That's a big no no in essays. And besides, how does mercantilism have anything to do with the irony of freedom? Now that's a stretch...
And be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR!! If you use general statements, CLARIFY THEM!
Nice post there Jen.
While reading your paper, I got the feeling that it was rushed. While I understand that you are on a time limit, try taking a deep breath before. Clear your mind and calm yourself. Relax. Have a nice breakfast or something.
One thing to remember...
The readers are not English teachers and they are concerned about your knowledge of US History, not English.
You can make grammar mistakes, you can make spelling mistakes (Unless the word is in the question, then you're a moron.)
Get DONE with the Essay even if it means leaving out how EXACTLY a document caused Madonna to wear a chicken on her head. Get done with the essay because if you do not address all the parts of the question, then you are in huge trouble. A conclusion is the paragraph that if worse comes to worse, turn it into a couple sentences and pray to God you have a reader who knows what he or she is suppose to do.
Matthew Hubbard
[email protected]" class="bb-email">[email protected]
[url]www.matthewhubbard.org[/url]
[CENTER][B][=RoyalBlue]Response of a APUSH student to reading a FRE question asking to explain the effects of the French and Indian War on political, ide
As per Jen's question:
"And besides, how does mercantilism have anything to do with the irony of freedom? Now that's a stretch..."
Negative. We are discussing Colonial America (When we are still citizens of Great Britain living in Great Britain's colonies.
This says that "we are gonna buy their stuff, and they are going to buy our stuff because we said so and if you dont like it, we'll slap mean little Acts on you and you can whine and whine and throw all the tea in the harbor that you like you crybabies."
Finally,
I do not care how you feel, but fluffing is very important, (You made a 4 and you disagree with a Table leader? Not flaming, just being honest) By fluffing I am not meaning straight up BS, I am saying to state anything even remotely relevant to the topic. This helps big time. The Essay Readers get tired of reading the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again. When they get to a paper that does have fluff in it, then it perks them up and makes them think "This kid knows his US history, this is the first time I've seen the 15-15 split mentioned..."
or... you could be like the rest of the failures in life and go:
*I really don't know about this prompt, so I'll tell you about the dress I am wearing to prom. Oh my GOSH it is soooo amazing, you have no idea."
Matthew Hubbard
[email protected]" class="bb-email">[email protected]
[url]www.matthewhubbard.org[/url]
[CENTER][B][=RoyalBlue]Response of a APUSH student to reading a FRE question asking to explain the effects of the French and Indian War on political, ide
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