This is a list of some of THE funniest metaphors, similes, and analogies English teachers compile and vote on for publishing. I guarantee it. But I do not suggest you use them...
As many of you know from first hand experience, writing essays of all kinds for class can be quite stressful. If you're anything like me, stress writing causes some very odd things to come out of your head. Whether you're chugging energy drinks at 3 am, finishing that essay due tomorrow or sitting in class freaking out over the paper due in 8 minutes, you may want to consider spending a bit of time checking over your analogies. You might just end up as the butt of your English teacher's jokes for the rest of the year... and possibly beyond.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
But, you gotta hand it to them. Some of these are pretty darn good...
Part 2 coming your way soon.
